Oh dear lord! Bees! – The Something Awful Forums

I am visiting my family in Florida for the holidays. I was chillin at my sister’s house when we looked out back and noticed a swarm of honeybees congregating on their swingset. There are a lot of kids around, including my sister’s 3 kids. They were inside at the time, fortunately.


Fuckin Bees!


A few minutes later they had calmed down. We were guessing they were disturbed from their hive and decided to come here, or something.


This is where the bees were coming from. A hole in the house behind my sister’s place. We told the landlady about it and she didn’t seem to care or want to be bothered that she was renting a house to people that had loving BEEES living inside it.

The neighbor called a bee removal company and they said they wouldn’t come out unless we paid a hefty fee, but he did recommend waiting until dark and go buy some stuff from Home Depot and squirt them with it and that should kill them off.

Well that plan was OK except for 2 things. 1 was that my sister’s husband is crazy. The 2nd thing is we didn’t want to wait that long nor spend any money.

So we did the next best thing. Started loving with the bees.


My bro in law chucks a tennis ball at the clump of bees, that was the size of a basketball. He knocked off a fist sized clump of bees, which eventually just flew back up into the main clump.

That was pretty boring, so we decide to try something a little bigger….

Yeah, a 40lb trailer hitch for a Dodge Caravan.


INCOMING!


CLANG! We have bees in freefall! Did I mention he is severely allergic to bees?


RUN FORREST!


Pile O Bees


The bees dust themselves off, and resume taking over the swingset. Every single one pretty much flew back up into a ball of bee death.

At this point it was clear these little assholes weren’t getting the message. Their arrival in my sister’s property was an act of agression, and we weren’t going to stand for it. So it was time for some redneck engineering:


Bee incinerator contraption:
– 30 feet of rope
– 1 large fire pit
– 1 science project board
– miscellaneous rags and a bedsheet
– gas


Fill ‘er up! Slide the incinerator under the bees and….


IGNITION!


OH THE BEEMANITY


CARNAGE!


Amazingly some bees still survived the first wave. What should we do next?


The next ingredient is 1.5 quarts of PAINT THINNER


OH YES!!!!


12/23 NEVER FORGET


THERE WERE STILL MORE BEES ON THE SWINGSET. CALL IN REINFORCEMENTS. 2 QUARTS OF 87 OCTANE GASOLINE REPORTING FOR DUTY SIR!


OH DEAR LORD ITS SO BEAUTIFUL. I AM SO PROUD TO BE AN AMERICAN RIGHT NOW.


Tonight we are having Roast Bee


The Aftermath.

Number of allied casualties (er, stings): 0
Number of bees killed: est. 10,000
Number of bee survivors: about 25 or so

When I close my eyes, I see fire…and bees.

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